If I knew the way I would take you home.

The title of this post is a line from the song "Ripple" by The Grateful Dead.

I do not profess to be an aficionado of their music but they have a huge library of songs. Today a few lines from some of the songs I do know are especially poignant for me.

~~ Sleep in the stars, don't you cry, dry your eyes on the wind. All I know is something like a bird within her sang, All I know she sang a little while and then flew off. ~ "Bird Song"

~~ Standing on the moon, with nothing left to do, a lovely view of heaven, but I'd rather be with you. ~ "Standing on the Moon"

~~ Such a long, long time to be gone, and a short time to be there. ~ "Box of Rain"


In my past during times of sorrow or loss I have been called stoic. I have been called wooden. I have even been called unfeeling.

That is simply not true.

I may appear stoic but it's because I am trying to be strong for those around me.

I may appear wooden because if I let myself start to show any type of emotion I am afraid I won't be able to stop.

If I seem unfeeling because I joke it is partly because I choose to remember happy times with someone and partly because if I don't laugh I will cry.

Rest assured that when I am alone, I grieve. I weep. My chest burns with the pain of loss.

When the burn is at its most intense I sometimes need to let out the words that I keep bottled up. Things that I wanted to say, things that I never wanted to say, things that I should have said anyway.

These are some of those words:

Dorothy
Sister, though I didn't see you as much as I wished to,
And though there were reasons; some yours and some mine,
I thought of you often and suffered your absence
But never considered we would run out of time.
Perhaps that grand canyon, that great divide
Which split our pathways and had stolen our time,
Could have been bridged had we both started trying,
Me going your way and you coming mine.
We'll never know now how far we'd have gotten,
If only we had taken one step at a time.
But I can promise you this: you won't be forgotten,
I'll be always your sister and you'll always be mine.

It's Suicide Prevention Week

Today is World Suicide Prevention Day.

You may be thinking "Well, shouldn't that be every day"?

The answer is definitely "Yes".

But, realistically, we all get wrapped up in our own lives so much that it is good to have a reminder to check in with other people.

Having a specific day for suicide prevention is helpful because some people have never thought about suicide. Or don't realize that someone they know has thought about it.

And, even if it is only brought up just this one time each year, it may still be enough to save someone's life.

Along those lines:

I am not a great corresponder. In fact, I kind of suck at keeping in touch with people. I know this. If we are friends you also know this. However, that doesn't mean that I don't think of you often. And even though we may not have spoken in weeks, or months, or even years, for my part, we are still friends.

If we are family, well, you're kind of stuck with me anyway but the same general principle applies to you.

What I'm saying is: I am here. I have heard that I am a good listener (see what I did there?) if anyone needs to be heard. I don't judge. Well, I might judge but I will do it to your face. Because that's what real friends do. Also, I joke. It's kind of my thing. Don't act like you didn't know. But I can be serious if you need me to be.

Or if it's easier for you to be anonymous: http://www.suicidepreventionlifeline.org.

If you need help reach out, someone will be reaching back.

Moments ~ They're bigger on the inside.

I was just watching Dr. Who on Netflix (the newer series, season 6 episode 7) and I had a epiphany.

The path to enlightenment:

The Doctor and River keep crossing paths through time and she always knows some pretty upsetting stuff about their future at this point in the story (I suspect I see the arc the story is taking but I'm watching it in order). Anyway, it seems to me that even though River knows all this bad stuff will happen she still lets herself live in the moment. She cherishes every time she sees him. She doesn't let the bad to come (or that has passed) damage her present happiness.

The Epiphany:

I let my worries and insecurities color all my other moments. When I think about the times I have been truly, undilutedly (add that one to your dictionaries) happy, there's not that many that I can name offhand. I have reached a point where I can recognize contentment but "happy" is a rare occurrence. And believe me, contentment was actually a victory for me.

Another reference to another awesome show:

In Firefly's episode "Heart of Gold", Zoe and Wash are talking about how she wants a baby but he feels like their lives are too dangerous to have one at present. And Zoe says, "I ain't so afraid of losing something that I ain't gonna try to have it."

Epiphany continued:

I think I have been. I think that I haven't let myself live in my happy moments because I am afraid of what comes after. My life is not exactly a tragedy but I have had my share of bleak and upsetting times. If I'm honest, I almost feel like it is better to not know how wonderful things can be, that way, when the floor falls out from under you it doesn't seem like such a far drop. Which, in my head, I know is a messed up way to look at it but, for my heart, seems safer. I am pretty sensitive. Easily wounded, you might say. I pretend like things don't bother me but they really, really do. I almost constantly have my guard up. I hold back so much of what I feel and what I think because I don't want to take the risk of being hurt. Not just on a romantic front but in every aspect of my life.

I've come to realize that's not fair to the people who happen to be in those would-be happy moments with me. And it's not fair to me either.

Summation:

I will allow myself to be happy for whatever reason or for no reason at all. I will stop letting old fears and future worries creep into my present. I am going to live in my moments and enjoy them while they last. Which, I think, will make the moments seem even bigger while I'm in them and give me more room to fit more life into my time.

I don't need marble halls, I only need you ~ Anne Shirley

This makes me laugh every time.

I haven't ever been a big fan of Valentine's Day.

I haven't had a real Valentine for most of them (apart from the kid that is).

I think that Valentine's Day can be such a let down because the notion of Romance has been so very, very damaged by unrealistic expectations perpetuated by Retailers, Hollywood, and, yes, even (dare I say it?) Books.

Retailers show commercials involving diamonds, cars and other expensive items because the more the gift costs the more you love someone, right?

Hollywood is all about the "Grand Gesture". Staging the scene. Declaring your love across a crowded subway station (shout out to Crocodile Dundee). Stopping the plane so your love doesn't leave you. Although nowadays I wouldn't recommend running through an airport shouting "Stop the plane!" Unless, of course, being tackled and having a full body search is the most action you can get on Valentine's Day. Then, go to it. Just not when I have a flight.

And my beloved Books, they started it all. The heroes and heroines. The plundering and ravishing. The rakishly handsome men causing heaving bosoms. You get the idea.

The most Romantic times I have ever had have been quiet times. In the car looking over and seeing Him smile at me. When washing dishes, Him coming and putting his arms around me and kissing my neck. Just laying together talking and laughing.

I hope that today (and everyday) everyone can remember that it's the time you spend with someone and the little everyday things that show a person how much you love them.

Although, a nice, shiny diamond couldn't hurt. I'm just sayin'.

Twas the night before Christmas......

 

When all through the house

Not a present was wrapped, not even a blouse.

No stockings were hung, no chimney was there.

Just an old radiator, grey, cold, and bare.

 

The Child was refusing to go to bed,

He was giving his mother an ache in the head.

She wanted nothing more than to start to wrap,

So that before morning she could get a nap.

 

The Boy just kept rambling, much like a hatter,

Mom's very last nerve was starting to shatter.

She considered adding NyQuil to his drink, just a splash,

In the hopes that in bed he soon would crash.

 

The forecast was dry, not calling for snows.

Mom thought, "Well, jeez, this really blows."

Soon Santa on the firetruck would be drawing near,

For that, it was good that the sky was all clear.

 

To Sister 4's house they drove kind of quickly,

Mom commented on how others drive dick-ly.

She contented herself by calling them names

Like "Poop-face" and "Jerk-wad" and "Big doo-doo brains".

 

She was hoping to find dinner with every fixin'

But none was there so said she, with very good diction

"Before coming next time, I will be sure to call,

To make certain that dinner is ready, ya'll".

 

"Is it too much to ask for one piece of pie?"

Heaved Mom with a very sad, very dramatic sigh.

"This Christmas is turning decidedly blue

But on the bright side, at least, nobody has flu."

 

"Did you hear that Sister 5's babe has a new tooth?"

Asked Sister 4 as she poured the gin and vermouth.

"She sure is a cutie, her sweetness abounds

But when she starts crying you don't want to be around"

 

They all talked until the talk was ca put

Glad that they didn't get off on the wrong foot.

Soon it was time for them to get back

So the Boy could finally, at last, hit the sack.

 

He went right to bed and had dreams visionary

Of a big man in a red suit who was very hairy.

He had a bright smile and a large potbelly

From spending too much time in line at the deli.

 

Mom said, "At last a moment to myself."

Then she reached up and pulled off the shelf

A movie to help her relax in her head

Before finishing the wrapping and going to bed.

 

With the movie on, she finally got down to work

While watching an the elf from the Wood of Mirk.

She wrapped toys, and movies, and even some clothes

Using bags, and boxes, and ribbons, and bows.

 

All would be ready to be placed under the tree artificial

For the day celebrating the guy in Paul's epistle.

Mom would get to bed just before first light

After wishing Merry Christmas to all, and to all a good night.

 

 

Happy Halloween/All Saints Day to all and to all a good fright.

I found http://www.picmonkey.com/ link on The Bloggess and tried to make my freaky photo. Turned out pretty cool. You should try it.

It's me!

Also, Hurricane Sandy blew through but I am one of the lucky few people I know that actually kept electricity the whole time. There are still trees and power lines down all throughout the area though. So, to everyone who drives: when a stop light is not working, IT BECOMES A 4 WAY STOP, PEOPLE. Just in case anyone needed a reminder. Because I think my eyes might actually have actually looked like the above photo by the time I got home today as a result of other people's careless driving. It makes me angry and you don't want to see me angry. . . . .

I got run over by a deer, a regular one, not a reindeer.

Yeah. I guess there is a first time for everything and this was the first time wildlife tried to run me off the road. It was very early this morning and out of nowhere a doe, a deer -- a female deer, ran into the driver's side of the front of my car.

See the clump of fur?

She must have been cutting through people's backyards. The person in the opposite lane managed to stop in time but even though I hit my brakes she rammed right into me. Then she bounced off back into the other lane. I am thankful that the guy behind me was able to stop before hitting me too. I vaguely recall hearing his tires screeching. I had to move forward a-ways to have room to pull over and gather myself and check out the damage. I feel nauseous every time I think about the poor deer. When I was able to drive back by "the scene" she was nowhere to be found so either someone absconded with the body or she was able to get herself off the road.

Once a squirrel tried to end it all under my tires and I felt bad enough about that. But that was nothing compared to this. Has anyone else had a similar experience? I hear it helps to talk it out.