I was just watching Dr. Who on Netflix (the newer series, season 6 episode 7) and I had a epiphany.
The path to enlightenment:
The Doctor and River keep crossing paths through time and she always knows some pretty upsetting stuff about their future at this point in the story (I suspect I see the arc the story is taking but I'm watching it in order). Anyway, it seems to me that even though River knows all this bad stuff will happen she still lets herself live in the moment. She cherishes every time she sees him. She doesn't let the bad to come (or that has passed) damage her present happiness.
I let my worries and insecurities color all my other moments. When I think about the times I have been truly, undilutedly (add that one to your dictionaries) happy, there's not that many that I can name offhand. I have reached a point where I can recognize contentment but "happy" is a rare occurrence. And believe me, contentment was actually a victory for me.
Another reference to another awesome show:
In Firefly's episode "Heart of Gold", Zoe and Wash are talking about how she wants a baby but he feels like their lives are too dangerous to have one at present. And Zoe says, "I ain't so afraid of losing something that I ain't gonna try to have it."
I think I have been. I think that I haven't let myself live in my happy moments because I am afraid of what comes after. My life is not exactly a tragedy but I have had my share of bleak and upsetting times. If I'm honest, I almost feel like it is better to not know how wonderful things can be, that way, when the floor falls out from under you it doesn't seem like such a far drop. Which, in my head, I know is a messed up way to look at it but, for my heart, seems safer. I am pretty sensitive. Easily wounded, you might say. I pretend like things don't bother me but they really, really do. I almost constantly have my guard up. I hold back so much of what I feel and what I think because I don't want to take the risk of being hurt. Not just on a romantic front but in every aspect of my life.
I've come to realize that's not fair to the people who happen to be in those would-be happy moments with me. And it's not fair to me either.
I will allow myself to be happy for whatever reason or for no reason at all. I will stop letting old fears and future worries creep into my present. I am going to live in my moments and enjoy them while they last. Which, I think, will make the moments seem even bigger while I'm in them and give me more room to fit more life into my time.